Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Netflix Remake)

Trigger Warnings: school shooting, gun violence, PTSD, redneck phobia, child abandonment, elder abuse, medical trauma, ableism, mental illness, graphic violence, physical disfigurement, dismemberment, racism and bigotry, confederate flags, gentrification, car accidents, police brutality, police violence, claustrophobia, “both sides”ing of major political and social issues, violence towards women, misogyny, animal death and animal butchering, dead animals, near drowning

Wow.
So, that’s a thing I saw, I guess.

Cue my fave catchphrase when writing reviews for movies I absolutely cannot stand: “ok but damn, that’s some nice cinematography, aesthetic, and composition at least!” Cheers for “senior” final girl reprisals of Sally, who waltzes around like Laurie Strode in the recent Halloween flicks, I suppose, but that’s about the only other thing I remotely found myself enjoying for this mess of a movie.

I’m weary of Hollywood serving so many of these reboots and requels and remakes with bizarrely placed “Social Justice” references and “Millennial/Gen Z” running gags. They never take it earnestly enough to be impactful, nor do they push the cornball antics far enough to become tongue in cheek witty satire; unfortunately, that means most of them are dead in the water and end up being stinky rotten flops as soon as they wash ashore in front of our tired eyes. These plots are far reaching into absurdity, but again never quite far enough to be firmly rooted in the campiness that would be requires to mark them successful.

I am not remotely a fan of “redneckophobic” movies which highlight the downtrodden, less affluent, trailer dwelling denizens as baddies, or those movies which lean on mental illness or disability as a scare tactic. I understand why this movie has made some of the choices it has, but I don’t think “both sides”ing  was the way to go either. This movie attempts to correct any previous storylines of that nature, but that falls flat. It attempts to drive your empathy towards the killer, thus removing any of the enticing fear that the villain once held. The tone is off on that too, though, and can’t ever quite hit the right notes in sequence to be catchy enough for us to “sing along” to his sad song.

If you are after mindless and unrelenting gore with your small-town horror, you can skip this one entirely; not even those sequences are enough to redeem it! In fact, what drove the original to be so spooky was the unnerving element of cannibalism, a thing that is completely absent here, unless I missed something?! The attacks and kills are bloody, sure, but they don’t go nearly far enough to make it gore porn, nor does the pendulum swing far enough the other way to make it camp.

Everything is just so tepid, middling, and empty. It feels very much like scrolling my personal Pinterest or Instagram feed in the middle of the night when I’m not quite asleep and not quite awake — full of pretty pictures, moody photography, neon lights, and nonsense. I don’t know, man. Maybe that’s the point of it all? I just don’t know.

“Try anything, and you’re canceled bro.” Truly? I wish a bitch would. I’m here for canceling the Hollywood fetish of rehashing classics. Give us fresh blood, in every sense of the word.

The chainsaw films are hardly my fave horror franchise, but even I can see the wicked injustice done to its lore and characters. Just stick to the original TCM and leave the rest in the dusty shelves of forgotten video stores or to rot in the dregs of streaming service back catalogue.

Note: There is a post credits scene if you’re into that.